What’s a fear of drowning have to do with self-defense?

It was time to get in the kayaks.

As we lined the boats on the ramp I had that flutter and tightening in my stomach, a rise in my heart rate, and my breathing shallowed a bit.

I have a fear of drowning.

Of course, when the instructors asked if we had any injuries or weren’t good swimmers or if there was anything else that would be helpful for them to know, that we should let them know. I did not say “oh by the way I’m have a fear of drowning”.

I don’t think its actually unreasonable to be afraid of drowning, I mean if you drown you die right? For me this fear manifests as an uncomfortableness in open water where I can’t touch the bottom.

I come by my fear of drowning honestly I think.

Sometimes fear is a reaction to a trauma. When we don’t fully process a trauma, it can stick with us and feel present and new instead of in the past. It can pop-up and keep us from living our best lives. If its too encompassing it can affect our nervous system, distract us from the present and what is happening “now” and negatively affect our problem solving skills to deal with the current situation at hand.

When I was a kid we’d go to the beach at Assateague island. We’d pack a picnic and head out from my grandparents house on the Eastern Shore. Ham sandwiches and Pecan Sandies, and Coppertone sunblock (that never really did that much good). My dad had scored some big truck inner tubes, and we’d pump them up and head into the water and the waves.

Then a big wave hit - and I was sucked under. I turned and turned like I was in a washing machine. The salt got in my eyes and everything turned white. I didn’t know which way was up. Finally it stopped and my feet found ground, and I stood up coughing and sputtering. Then another wave hit, and into the mix I went again. I was elementary school aged.

Some peoples comfort in the water is as if they are a fish. Not me - but I am stubborn. As time passed I got certified as a life guard (never did it though, my mom didn’t want me to get skin cancer, thanks mom!), in my 20’s spent a lot of time on a 22 foot power boat in the Chesapeake Bay, and its rivers, even managed to get up on water skis. Rafted down the Kongakut River in Alaska. Tried paddleboard surfing (was pretty terrible at it). And even went scuba diving in Hawaii.

Which didn’t actually work out too well.

I don’t recommend doing a 1 hour class in the pool and then going scuba diving, especially if you have previous water related trauma. If something goes wrong, like it did for me, it can be pretty scary - when you’re literally out of your element.

The first dive took forever for me to get down the rope. I had to clear my ears every foot, and by the time I got down, it was just about time to go back up. I thought “hey I survived, that wasn’t so bad! Kind of cool actually, can’t believe I did it!” I almost stopped with that success. But I went forward with the second dive.

The second dive was closer to the shore. There was coral below and we could feel the pull and tug of the current from the waves as they approached shore. This time I was able to get down the rope faster, which meant more time below water.

Subconsciously the pull and tug of the water took me back to when I was sucked under as a kid. I had trouble getting my buoyancy correct, not enough and I was stepping on the coral (nooooo!), too much and I was higher than the group. That feeling of lack of control tied to the childhood experience started to increase my heart rate. Its beautiful I thought, its fine I thought. Just look at the fish I thought.

My mind was starting to scream inside.

Then there was water in my mask.

Okay, I had learned to clear that in the pool I thought.

I held the top against my forehead and breathed out hard.

It refilled.

I did it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

While I could still breathe through the regulator it was disorienting to have water in the mask. My lack of experience meant I didn’t know what was truly dangerous. It felt what was dangerous was the water in the mask that was halfway up my eyeballs. But that wasn’t going to be what caused me harm.

As I kept trying to clear the mask, to do it “right” my breathing increased. My sense of panic increased, I started to breathe more rapidly, hyperventilating. I was breathing more shallowly and at the top of my chest. I tried to calm down. I felt like crying.

I was afraid.

What the real danger was, was that in my attempts to clear my mask, I had sucked through most of my oxygen tank. It hadn’t even occurred to me to check that or be concerned about that.

Fortunately the dive leader saw me. She lead me to the rope and counseled me to go up slowly using hand gestures.

I tell this story because there are so many connections and analogies to learning and experiencing self-defense.

What we learn, how we learn and how we react can be influenced by past trauma. Everyone is a bit different in this regard, and its important to recognize this when teaching and learning self-defense.

Learning self-defense skills can help us with learning to staying calmer, learning to breathe, and to recover breath.

It can help us explore what triggers or elements make us more vulnerable to panic or to danger, when our awareness or decision making is impaired.

We can experience the value of knowledge and practice, the value of being a bit more comfortable with the uncomfortable, and understand the role of trauma or past experiences in how we react today.

We can practice or develop ways that work for us to mitigate or reduce the impact of past experiences and to learn a different response instead.

Developing a greater understanding of where the real danger lays, the “immediate” danger as we say in self-defense training has true value and isn’t something we intuitively know.

We may be uncomfortable in a situation or not like something about an interaction with another person, but through practice and role playing we can see where there is true danger.

I’ve managed living with a fear of drowning -which is in conflict with the joy I find with being on the water - by continuing to pursue experiences that will increase my knowledge and comfort level. While I don’t see myself taking up white water kayaking, I would like to get comfortable enough to explore different types of water including tides and wind and (little) waves. And I’d like to know I can get back in if I do capsize.

There is a sweet spot of discomfort that can drive us forward to growth through learning new skills.